The main message for married people boils down to the standard advice: Preparation helps! Emotional preparation is particularly important. Don’t depend on your immediate family for everything in your life. While you are married, try to develop other interests and, in particular, at least a few friends. Understand, even though you naturally feel closest to your children, that they have their own lives. There is danger in entering widowhood with the expectation of depending just on a son’s or daughter’s visit or call.

Particularly if you are an older married woman, you are being prudent, not ghoulish, to plan ahead. If you are a man, planning is even more important because you are at higher risk for coping poorly. Don’t push the thought “my husband (or wife) could die” out of your mind. Mentally take stock of how you would manage in case the worst did occur. Imagine your daily life. Who would you depend on for company and support? Would there be satisfying things you could do other than ‘ ‘being with my mate?” If your answers are unsatisfying, cultivate a more independent life now.

Consider practical issues. Women in particular must know whether they will be provided for financially. Don’t stick your head in the sand and then discover to your horror when your husband dies that your savings are minimal and his pension doesn’t cover you. Ask and insist on being let in on his financial arrangements for you and the family, and educate yourself in the particulars of the family finances now.

Men too can benefit from educating themselves in the practical side of being alone. Become competent at shopping, cooking, and cleaning, and if you have not already done so, periodically give your wife a rest by taking over these jobs. Not only will you be preparing for being widowed (and possibly learning some interesting new skills), you will be making your wife feel appreciated and loved.

This brings up another essential way of preparing for this blow. Make sure that if your husband or wife died tomorrow you would not be eaten up by guilt about what you did not do. Demonstrate your love now!

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GENERAL HEALTH