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Players: Husband and wife.
Activist: Husband, without wife’s knowledge, or both. Setting: Any bedroom.
Aim: Husband deliberately uses dirty language that wife consciously finds repugnant but unconsciously fantasizes about, thereby making conscious that which was formerly unconscious.
Game Plan: Some evening (or morning or afternoon, as the case may be) while the husband is making love to the wife, he suddenly looks at her and says,
“You slut.”
“You slut. You dirty little slut.”
“Why are you saying that?”
“Because that’s what you are—a dirty little slut.”
“I am not.”
“You are, and you know it. And don’t pretend to be shocked by this language. You know you like it. A dirty little slut like you always likes dirty talk. And dirty sex, too—right?”
*102/196/1*
The success of this game depends on getting both members out of their customary mode of relating, in which the depressed spouse negates both himself and his mate, and the nondepressed spouse continually tries either to soothe him or expresses resentment toward him. In this game, both accept and go along with the depression and the underlying feelings of hopelessness. Further, mirroring the depressed spouse’s hopelessness gives him a glimpse of how he is acting. If they can both accept the depression and allow themselves to have hopeless sex, then they can move on and actually have hopeless sex. Then, ironically, they will find that the sex becomes less hopeless. It may also lead to getting more in touch with the hopelessness and letting go of it.
*77/196/1*
Players: Passive spouse (audience), aggressive spouse (actor), and dummy.
Activist: Aggressive spouse, without the knowledge or cooperation of mate.
Setting: Living room with makeshift stage or room with real stage.
Aim: To shock passive into awareness and allow aggressive to discharge rage.
Game Plan: This game is a take-off on the play within a play from Shakespeare’s Hamlet in which he notes that “The play’s the thing, wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king.”
The aggressive spouse announces to the passive spouse one night after dinner, “Darling, I have a little surprise. I’ve made up a little play just for you. You like theater, don’t you, darling?”
The aggressive spouse turns the lights down and prepares to act out a scene from their sex life. On the stage is a sofa or bed on which lies a life-size “dummy” (or doll) which will be the surrogate for the passive spouse. The aggressive spouse, having stripped down, enters the scene naked, and lies beside the dummy. (Let’s generally refer to the passive-spouse “dummy” as the dummy, and to the aggressive spouse as simply the spouse.)
*52/196/1*
It is crucial for the wife to never, never give up. She must regard this as a battle—which it is! Her husband has maintained his defenses against spontaneity and intimacy for a good reason (let’s say, for example, he had a very intrusive mother), and he may fight almost to the death to protect himself against vulnerability. The wife must therefore be prepared to fight this battle until he finally gives in, never taking any of his refusals or insults personally, never insulting him back or in any way losing her temper, but always sticking firmly and seductively to the game plan.
Once he gives in to the seduction, the rest of the game is easy. Having lured him out of his defensive posture (of being boring), and herself out of her own defensive posture (of being bored or frustrated), there will most likely be a newfound passion for one another, as well as a newfound interest in sex.
*27/196/1*
“Doc, I don’t understand women today,” he said. “Why not?” “They’re weird.” “What happened?”
“I was at my summer share this weekend and I went out with one of the women in my house, and we had sex—sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“Right. See what you make of this. Doc.” “Go on.”
“I really don’t understand it, but maybe you can.” “I’m listening.”
He paused to find the words, sighing and sitting back in his chair. He was a successful young man in his early thirties who had lived in Manhattan for several years, was buying a condo in the East Thirties, and had just broken up with another woman who had angrily accused him of having a fear of intimacy. He had rented a room in a summer house in the Hamptons, hoping to wash out the bitter taste from this last relationship with a lot of salt air, ocean, and, most important, more noncommittal sex.
*1/196/1*